I do not remember when the new shape of laugh introduced me to myself. This laughter expresses itself through its giggles. Carousing in a loud voice, it reveals itself in many separate happenings and massages our body, mind, and intellect.
It proceeded, causing tears to come to my eyes, my head to ache, pain in my bones, and granted awareness to the intellect, stability to the mind, longevity to the breaths, depth to my thoughts, and quietness to my existence.
This laughter takes birth in the situation of pain and trouble. However, I do not mean that it brings a smile to my lips when I see a murder taking place! Nor does it mean that a whirlwind or an earthquake made me laugh. No, the echo of my laughter emerged from my deep mental plane. It caused a swerve in my moments and I remained besieged with ignorance.
I was not off my head, but have found that, in this state of ignorance, the caravans of reflections march on. However, the echo of laughter is found even today in the dust, stirred by the caravans. The marks of the experience of laughter are visible in the footfalls of moments.
I came face to face with this laughter eighteen times. I have not forgotten any happening up till now, nor my own state of mind as I went through it.
These unique moments of today make me conversant with this tender state. Therefore, by introducing you to two or three occurrences, I wish to convey the secret of my laughter.
For—
“Life is an invaluable journey in which nothing is irrelevant or superfluous.”
I lived in a joint family, so it is needless to describe any incidents. We proceed directly to the field of occurrence; for our cow was pregnant and my grand uncle’s joy knew no bounds. There would be milk and butter in the house and the children would enjoy them.
I, also, stood there listening to others. Suddenly I spoke out, “Enjoy yourself only when the happy moment comes.”
Even today, I feel I detected in their apparent joy the hollowness of pain. As God willed, the next morning a snake bit the cow in the tongue when she was grazing. The cow died. The whole family was lost in gloom and so was I. When the senior uncle came home and made his appearance I broke into a laughter without making any sound. When the laughter turned into a smile I rushed to the field and paused at a tube well at a short distance in order to get rid of my lava-like laughter. I kept laughing for one full hour before I regained my normal state. Then I got rid of my laugh. The massage of this laughter moistened my eyes, caused a headache which then subsided.
Then sadness gave my laughter a queer shape. What was the message of this laughter, I did not know. I only knew that the laughter had brought pain along with ridicule.
Nearly four or five months after I arrived in Canada from India, Darshi’s (husband) Uncle, also, came for a visit. At the airport, for his entry, the Immigration Department charged four thousand dollars as security and allowed him a visa for six months. Darshi’s father and mother paid this amount and at the same time lost their sleep.
Along with the uncle, they also brought with them a pail full of worry, doubt, and suspicion. They feared they might lose the money; they could not have even sleep. Their staggering plight sowed in me seeds of laughter. I felt the appearance of light, flickering laughter. I observed reticence, but seeing my parents in doubt and suspense, the seeds of laughter began to sprout up. I would some time enter the room and pour out my feelings through laughter. At times, I would go out into the fields and sow in them the seeds of laughter. However, their restless and worried state maintained my laughing mood.
After two months, our uncle was caught red-handed plucking apples. Now the money was lost. That day the laughter that overcame me simply left me amazed. I rushed into the bathroom. There water cleansed my body and laughter cleansed my mind.
On the third occasion, I had a similar laughter at the Charnel. When the people were weeping, I was laughing within; why? Yes, why so? Was I mad, foolish, or ignorant? There is only one occasion which really brings tears to my eyes and my heart bleeds. When someone takes the life of another, when despite full knowledge and consciousness, she/he robs another person; when she/he proves himself low of thought—laughter at such times have always caused me pain.
Nevertheless, this laughter has some reason which I could never make out. Today, when my life is passing through the intellectual state, the incidents at the emotional plane, also, slip out of the basket of reminiscences and the colour and shape of every materialist longing become ready to disclose its identity. This is the finest meeting of the three fields, which, by introducing us to the limits and bounds, leads to the understanding of the vast, infinite field. The field which opens the account-books of countless deeds that dig out the truth-besmeared with the dust of impressions and which throws it into the court of life. Then life, observing its own purity and beauty, pronounces its verdicts. It tries to determine its own standing in the existing situation as well as its achievements.
Along with the uncle, they also brought with them a pail full of worry, doubt, and suspicion. They feared they might lose the money; they could not have even sleep. Their staggering plight sowed in me seeds of laughter. I felt the appearance of light, flickering laughter. I observed reticence, but seeing my parents in doubt and suspense, the seeds of laughter began to sprout up. I would some time enter the room and pour out my feelings through laughter. At times, I would go out into the fields and sow in them the seeds of laughter. However, their restless and worried state maintained my laughing mood.
After two months, our uncle was caught red-handed plucking apples. Now the money was lost. That day the laughter that overcame me simply left me amazed. I rushed into the bathroom. There water cleansed my body and laughter cleansed my mind.
On the third occasion, I had a similar laughter at the Charnel. When the people were weeping, I was laughing within; why? Yes, why so? Was I mad, foolish, or ignorant? There is only one occasion which really brings tears to my eyes and my heart bleeds. When someone takes the life of another, when despite full knowledge and consciousness, she/he robs another person; when she/he proves himself low of thought—laughter at such times have always caused me pain.
Nevertheless, this laughter has some reason which I could never make out. Today, when my life is passing through the intellectual state, the incidents at the emotional plane, also, slip out of the basket of reminiscences and the colour and shape of every materialist longing become ready to disclose its identity. This is the finest meeting of the three fields, which, by introducing us to the limits and bounds, leads to the understanding of the vast, infinite field. The field which opens the account-books of countless deeds that dig out the truth-besmeared with the dust of impressions and which throws it into the court of life. Then life, observing its own purity and beauty, pronounces its verdicts. It tries to determine its own standing in the existing situation as well as its achievements.
I laughed—laughed hilariously—but why?
It is a very beautiful and matchless riddle that my life ultimately resolved.
First: I did not laugh; laughter came involuntarily. It occurred as an event. Had I laughed of my own accord, there would have been a reason behind; in that case, I could not regard myself as ignorant. For when the cause is present, effect can be produced. Event does not occur—the doing consciousness is the consciousness of arrogance and none considers himself to be haughty and arrogant.
A person trampled underfoot on all sides cannot express her/himself in a haughty language nor do arrogant deeds.
My laughter was a summary statement of our uncle’s mode of expression—a laughter betraying the dilapidation of my hauteur which my subtle being had apprehended and the same subtle insight had detected and anticipated the absence of the cow in the coming moments.
The consciousness of that moment is still alive and fresh in my mind; for too deep colour of experience never goes on washing from the sheet of life! I remember those moments in which I felt happy and calm. I would remain in quest of those moments; they lay scattered in deep, hidden surrounding—for example, when I saw the thick shadow of someone’s virtues and vices or the deep state of someone’s beautiful or ugly environment, I felt stillness within. I mentioned this fact to my family doctor, but these moments ever stood before me in an unintelligible state. Today’s time is only an addition to those moments of stillness and seeks companionship with the life fenced by beauty.
It is a very beautiful and matchless riddle that my life ultimately resolved.
First: I did not laugh; laughter came involuntarily. It occurred as an event. Had I laughed of my own accord, there would have been a reason behind; in that case, I could not regard myself as ignorant. For when the cause is present, effect can be produced. Event does not occur—the doing consciousness is the consciousness of arrogance and none considers himself to be haughty and arrogant.
A person trampled underfoot on all sides cannot express her/himself in a haughty language nor do arrogant deeds.
My laughter was a summary statement of our uncle’s mode of expression—a laughter betraying the dilapidation of my hauteur which my subtle being had apprehended and the same subtle insight had detected and anticipated the absence of the cow in the coming moments.
The consciousness of that moment is still alive and fresh in my mind; for too deep colour of experience never goes on washing from the sheet of life! I remember those moments in which I felt happy and calm. I would remain in quest of those moments; they lay scattered in deep, hidden surrounding—for example, when I saw the thick shadow of someone’s virtues and vices or the deep state of someone’s beautiful or ugly environment, I felt stillness within. I mentioned this fact to my family doctor, but these moments ever stood before me in an unintelligible state. Today’s time is only an addition to those moments of stillness and seeks companionship with the life fenced by beauty.
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